i don't blame you

i won't blame you

there's too much there now, you and i both know we can see the other side

and there's never any winning in regret

there's never any winning in being right

but we already knew that

we have the capacity ! to store things back back back

while we are thinking and talking and being

and yet, we know

we always do

the voice that sleeps with all eyes open

watching you

letting you know that while everything is dangerous

that you really are okay

we've got you

i've got you

and that truth always remains
 

 

slow it down, angel

slow it down.

your therapist tells you, protect your energy.

and you used to dye your hair to look the way you thought others might like. 

you try to anticipate the needs of others, to keep them from getting upset.

you choose routes to keep others happy, but they didn't tell you, did they? "this is what i want."

that's okay. fill your own shoes. follow your own map. be a good person. help when fit. rest when needed. hot tea actually really does help. you can't take on everyone's everything. but you, yourself can be a little bird too. sitting at the feeder, waiting your turn. 

{when it's your turn, eat the shit out of it. drink your fucking champagne in the sunshine. hug your best friend and tell your mom you love her. and then get up, go to work and do it all again.}

 

Lol but no really

no, really.

here we are, dark days stormy skies

the absence of longer, freer long-winded conversations and drives that meander

i kind of want to squirrel away and watch the real housewives of whatever

to hide from pain and fear

i am surrounded by warmth and cozy, silly love

and of course an innate emotion surfaces - and it says to protect and repel

anything bad, off

and oh my isn't that nature's way of saying yes, dear. this is how we are made

love and protect. repel and protect. love and give love. protect. protect. protect.

that sensibility is in our bones, threads, heart, blood.

it can be wildly marvelous and oh so gut-wrenching. i know all of it is worth all of it.

how tied we are to one another.

we have nothing if not for each other. little packs. little circles. little hens. our own chosen and created broods. 

the world is your burger

the world is your motherfucking oyster

if you're white and middle class and have access

to healthcare and fucking abortion options

and some people i've met this year have no interest

in learning or hearing about racial inequities

about learning or hearing about racial inequities

can you hear that?

does anyone hear me? 

can they hear themselves?

no

it's easier not to

and it's always someone else's problem

wake the fucking fuck up you idiot fucks

maybe the end of a poem is the beginning

of rage

how can you be alive and not be affected

someone. else's. baby.

by the hands of some. indoctrinated. sick.

unhinged motherfucker

here we are. no one is surprised.

we are here. why is no one surprised?

 

i always liked to write but i never knew why

i always liked to write but didn't think about why

i never knew i liked to write until one day it felt like if i didn't all the things bent up inside me

just wouldn't turn the right way like i couldn't face the day like i couldn't explain the way i needed

to say all the things that i needed to write but didn't know why

 

I am here listening to the waves

feeling the soft breeze and birds fly by

and maybe even the leaves growing and flowers

curling into their favorite spaces

nature can be the safest place

safest to recoil, rest, grieve, heal

everything that's ever been done has already happened here

all pain, worry, anxiety

will fall away 

into the morning hopeful summer song

the afternoon sunshine with its earnest sincerity

the evening wine and hushed message to the sky

you, little rosebud, blooming over and over again

 

it's too often it's felt like my heart is caving in 

like all my sensitivities and how i am is too soft, too something

in that way it's like i've alway felt I was made wrong, I am wrong

too something

sort of a ridiculous idea to accept along the way, because who the 

fuck is to say

I am banking on good change.